Vetting Won’t Save You:
The Truth About Green Flags
Why There Are No Green Flags for Men
For generations, women have been told to search for "green flags" in men—indicators that a man is safe, trustworthy, and a good long-term partner. The idea is that while "red flags" signal danger, "green flags" prove that a man is different, a rare exception in a world where male violence, neglect, and entitlement are the norm.
But here’s the truth: there are no green flags for men.
Not because every man is "bad" on an individual level but because men as a group benefit from a system that prioritizes them at women’s expense. Even the so-called "good" ones still exist within a structure that rewards their bare minimum and burdens women with the emotional, social, and physical cost of relationships.
1. Green Flags Are Basic Human Decency
The things women are taught to look for as "green flags"—respect, active listening, basic empathy, not cheating—are the absolute bare minimum for being a decent person.
Men get praised for behaviors that women are expected to embody by default. The fact that a man washing his dishes, supporting his partner’s goals, or not being violent is considered exceptional is a sign of how low the bar is, not proof of their worth.
2. Men Can Perform Green Flags Without Actually Being Good People
Many men mimic the behaviors of healthy partners to gain trust, but this doesn’t mean those behaviors are authentic. Studies show that abusive and manipulative men often engage in love-bombing, excessive displays of interest, and performative "wokeness" to establish themselves as "one of the good ones."
Green flags can be a costume. The act only drops once the man feels secure in the relationship and has control over his partner.
3. A Man Being "Nice" Doesn’t Mean He’s Safe
One of the most persistent and dangerous myths is that "nice guys" can’t be harmful.
The truth is, niceness is not a moral trait—it’s a social strategy. Many of the most abusive men are described as “nice” by those who don’t know them well. Serial predators often rely on their charm and likability to manipulate and disarm their victims.
Niceness does not equal goodness. It just means someone knows how to behave in a socially acceptable way. This ties directly into why most harm against women comes from men they already know—niceness is often a tool of deception, not a sign of safety.
4. The Majority of Harm Against Women Comes from Men They Know
The green flag myth suggests that "vetting" men correctly will lead to safety and security. But statistics show that most violence against women comes from men they already know and trust.
Over 50% of women murdered worldwide are killed by intimate partners.
Pregnant women are more likely to be murdered by their partners than to die from medical complications.
STI transmission rates for women are highest within long-term relationships, not casual encounters.
Even when a man seems "safe," that perception is not protection.
5. Even in the Best-Case Scenario, Women Still Lose
Even in relationships that are not abusive, women bear the greater cost.
Studies show that women lose an average of two close friendships when they enter long-term relationships with men. Their social worlds shrink, while men’s remain the same—or expand.
Married women do more housework, even when both partners work full-time.
Women in heterosexual relationships experience higher levels of stress, depression, and sleep disruption than their single counterparts.
Women live longer, healthier, and wealthier lives when unmarried.
Meanwhile, men benefit from marriage in nearly every measurable way: they live longer, accumulate more wealth, and experience lower stress levels.
Even in the "best-case scenario," women’s lives shrink while men’s expand. What kind of "green flag" is that?
6. The Myth of ‘Through Sickness and Health’
One of the biggest lies told about male partnership is that a "good man" will stand by a woman no matter what. However, research shows that men are significantly more likely to abandon their female partners when they get sick.
A study published in Cancer found that women diagnosed with cancer or multiple sclerosis (MS) were seven times more likely to be abandoned by their husbands than vice versa.
Women overwhelmingly stay and care for their sick male partners. Men, on the other hand, leave when it becomes inconvenient.
Even the "best men"—the ones who were loving, kind, and present before illness—often walk away when their partner needs them most. So, what is a "green flag" worth if it disappears under pressure?
7. Women Are Often Lying—to Themselves and You
A common rebuttal to these truths is: “But I know happy married women!”
Here’s the uncomfortable reality: many women lie about their relationships.
Cognitive dissonance forces women to convince themselves they’re happy in relationships, even when they’re not.
Marriage is sold as an achievement, so admitting dissatisfaction is a personal failure.
Women who "got the prize" often feel immense pressure to keep up the facade, even if they regret their choice.
Even if they are not actively lying to themselves, which is often the case due to conditioning, they may not have hit the inevitable snag where they realize it’s all a house of cards. Some women are in denial, and others are simply ignorant of what’s to come.
Social rewards—status, security, and approval—reinforce women’s self-deception. Many women are heavily invested in the idea that they "picked right" because the alternative means questioning their entire life structure.
This isn’t to say all women in relationships are secretly miserable—but it does mean we can’t take every woman’s testimony at face value when the system itself rewards them for pretending.
The Green Flag Narrative is Just Repackaged Patriarchy
The idea that "good men" are out there if you just search hard enough is a carefully constructed fantasy designed to keep women invested in men.
It keeps women searching, hoping, and working toward a goal that doesn’t exist.
It convinces women that "vetting" is a foolproof strategy when the statistics show otherwise.
It reinforces the idea that a woman’s life is incomplete without a man, even when data shows that women thrive without them.
If a "green flag" still requires women to shrink their lives, take on more labor, and accept inevitable risks—what exactly are they winning?
The Real Green Flag: Living For Yourself
Men don’t need green flags. They have an entire system working in their favor. The real question isn’t whether a man meets your standards—it’s whether the system is worth investing in at all. Women deserve the truth—not another illusion designed to keep them running in circles.
The green flag isn’t a man—it’s the freedom to design a life on your own terms. A life where safety, stability, and happiness don’t hinge on whether a man decides to grant them to you.
Stop looking for a green flag. Start looking at the data.